An Abridged List of the Terrorist Attacks for which Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Has Claimed Responsibility

Posted by Seth Kramer on Saturday, March 17th 2007 at 12:28am



"9/11 mastermind" Khalid Sheikh Mohammed claims to have been responsible for at least 31 terrorist attacks ranging from personally decapitating Daniel Pearl to "planning 9/11 from A to Z", well right there I know he's lying. I mean 9/11 doesn't even have any letters in it. There's just the numbers and then the slash.

It seems unlikely to me that a man incapable of planning some simple manscaping could plan a major terrorist attack, but hey, who am I to judge?

Anyway in an effort to get this sort of information public I'm publishing an abridged list of Terrorist Attacks for which he has claimed responsibility:

1. 9/11
2. Milli Vanilli
3. The Great Chicago Fire
4. Sinking of the RMS Lusitania, and USS Maine.
5. The Gulf of Tonkin
6. The Bay of Pigs
7. The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia
8. The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down
9. Hurricane's Katrina, Betsy, and Andrew
10. Tooth Decay
11. Black Death
12. The second Star Wars trilogy
13. Jonestown
14. The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
15. Triangle Shirtwaist fire
16. 1994 LA Earthquake
17. The 1994 Major League Baseball Strike
18. The Challenger and Colombia Disasters
19. David Caruso's career
20. the MLK, Kennedy, Garfield, McKinley, and Lincoln assassinations, as well as the failed attempts on Pope John Paul II, Gerald Ford (the second one, not the first), and Ronald Reagan
21. Ingrown hair and nails
22. Stock Market Crash of 1929, and 1987
23. The Dust Bowl
24. Hiccups
25. Jodie Foster
26. Cuban Missile Crisis
27. Any film by Quentin Tarantino
28. Ringworm
29. The Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon
30. Scientology
31. The Macarena

I'm feeling happy
I'm spinning Jack Johnson - High Tide or Low Tide