Sports Round-Up

Posted by Seth Kramer on Friday, August 3rd 2007 at 12:21am



These past few weeks have been interesting for a sports fan. Below are my thoughts on the most recent goings on from the sports pages. Here they are in order of bad to worse.

Soccer

Many have conjectured that the introduction of former Manchester United club star, David Beckham to the Los Angeles Galaxy would spark American interest in soccer. A game we have historically ignored. As if all we needed was a big star to capture our interest (witness Lance Armstrong and competitive bicycling). But, it isn't as though this were cricket, a game of old stuffy Brits rammed down the throats of their Imperial conquests whose rules are so arcane as to render even the most hardened of Soviet-era bureaucrat speechless. Soccer is a simple game, so simple only two players even need hands. When Pele made his debut with the New York Cosmos in the 70's many Americans had no idea what soccer was about, but by the mid to late '00s everyone seems to be well aware of what the game's about. We just don't care. Least of all Mr. Beckham is a big pussy. This is America where we expect our sports stars to "walk it off". In the 2004 ALCS, Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling won game 6 bleeding from his ankle into his sock. Lance Armstrong famously won the Tour de France SEVEN CONSECUTIVE GODDAMN TIMES having CANCER. Beckham continues to miss games because his ankle hurts. What's that David? I can't hear you over the sound of your vagina bleeding?

Basketball

In the NBA last week it was discovered that a 13 year veteran referee was the subject of an FBI investigation for allegedly gambling on game, some of which he officiated. Needless to say the league was shocked to find out something this horrible was going on, this might affect the interest in the game. So we are of course left to believe that if interest in the NBA drops it's because the zebras might be gambling and not the endless playoff season, and the players' constant involvement in fights and gunplay on and off the court. No I'm sure one ref just spoiled the whole barrel...whatever.

Baseball

San Francisco Giants Barry Bonds is very close to breaking the career record for home runs. At the time of this writing he is 1 homer away from tying Hank Aaron's record of 755, and of course 2 from breaking that record. Many, including me, would not like to see a man who has all but been caught red-handed using "performance-enhancing drugs" thanks to the Balco scandal. So I have a simple piece of advice for every major league pitcher. Do not throw balls that he can hit. No, I don't mean try to paint the corners. Let's let him break a different record: All-time IBB, intentional base on balls. Walk him. Sure your team might lose if you've got an unnecessary baserunner, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let a cheater like Barry Bonds take away Hank Aaron's hard-earned record. Or better yet he can break the all-time HBP, hit by pitch, record. Better than an IBB you get the opportunity to actually bean the bastard. I'm not saying drill him in the head (although it is his biggest body part thanks to the juice), but what if you nailed his elbow? It'd be kind of hard to hammer home a run with a shattered ulna, wouldn't it? Okay, it's official. I'm evil.

Football

Now baseball and basketball have nothing on football when it comes to players behaving badly. I mean that brawl at The Palace was nothing next to the grand high moron that is Michael Vick. Michael Vick got caught back in December with weed on him at the Miami airport. He attempted to hide it in bottled water. You know, bottled water, like the stuff they take away from you because it's a liquid. In his defense nobody would have thought they'd be looking for drugs in the Miami airport. But no, his latest situation isn't just stupid, it's terrible. Apparently Vick decided he needed to have some dogfights in his Virginia home, at least according to a grand jury. Vick's home, which was raided in April, contained dozens of pit bulls, treadmills commonly used to exercise sled dogs, a 12 foot square pit 2 and a half feet high, and a "rape stand" which is basically a stand to hold female dogs in place for breeding not commonly used by legitimate dog breeders because lets face it, if you have to be strapped down to mate, you're probably not the best socialized animal to be breeding. I'm all for Vick going to jail for this for a very long time. I hear they have their own "rape stands" in Virginia's Red Onion State Prison.

I'm feeling tired and I want to go home
I'm spinning Keith Olbermann