Biggest Thing to Come Out of Idaho Since the Russet Potato

Posted by Seth Kramer on Tuesday, September 11th 2007 at 1:03am




For the last couple weeks a certain United States Senator from Idaho had a run in with a police officer in an airport restroom. Now I won't rehash the details because I suspect my readership is more informed than the average bear despite the media's marked restraint in their reporting of this matter. So I thought I'd start us off on a series of questions that maybe you can help me with. That and perhaps you can help me work in the punch line "giving new meaning to the words Mr. Potato Head."

1. Maybe I'm naive, but people get it on in the bathroom? It's all I can handle to do my business, wash up, and complete my elaborate series of rituals without contaminating myself. How do these folks manage to have sex in this atmosphere? What does one do to "set the mood" in a public toilet? And while I'm at it what is this, the 1960s? Who would go to the airport bathroom for sex? Do what every other American does, use the Internet.

2. Does Minneapolis have a surplus of police officers or something? I mean it's some guy's job to sit around the bathroom looking for people looking for sex? or in other words, who did this cop piss off in order to get the cock-suck patrol, eh? Oh yeah, this is going to be the next episode of Cops: Minneapolis (Airport bathroom edition)

3. Tapping your foot is code for "let's have sex"? I fear I may have inadvertently made sexual advances to my neighbor the last time I was listening to Amy Winehouse on my iPod.

4. Let's for a moment assume that the Senator behaved in a way consistent with individuals seeking sexual gratification in the men's room. Something past mumblings in the halls of power, and the officer's sworn statement seem to reinforce. Is that illegal? Mind you we've established my OCD toilet bona fides so I feel safe in saying this: should consensual sex, no matter how repulsive, outside the public eye be illegal? He was in a restroom stall, not in Lafayette Park. Putting that aside he never even engaged in sex it was simply a solicitation for sex. Are all inappropriate sexual solicitations grounds for incarceration? If that is the case I think every woman in America knows a few suspects she might like to turn over to the authorities.

5. Does a single homosexual act, or the desire therefore, make one gay? This is one I actually know the answer to. No. Gay men sometimes sleep with straight women, straight men, etc. Straight women sometimes sleep with lesbians, etc. sexuality is a fluid thing and far harder to define than a single act. That said getting caught soliciting sex is like getting caught speeding. If you get caught you're really insulting the officer's intelligence if you think he's really going to believe you had no idea, AND you've NEVER done it before, and never will.

6. Speaking of never will, Senator Craig's statement is that he is not gay and he never has been gay. If my English skills are still honed (a dubious claim anyone who actually reads this blog will surely refute) I think this is the present tense and the past perfect tense. Present and past, interesting that he left out the future. In light of recent discovery that wording was very carefully chosen (a la "it is my intent to resign") perhaps the Senator was giving a little wiggle room for him to one future day be gay. Who knows.

7. Why was the Republican reaction so swift? They stripped the Senator of his committee memberships (pretty much the only meaningful duty of a minority party member) and let him know that they wished "he would quit them". I have to say this for the Republicans. They certainly worked quickly to ensure that the public knew they wouldn't tolerate sexual improprieties amongst their kind. In fact they were so worried about this particular incident that they seem to have completely forgotten Sen. Vitter's ordeal with the prostitutes and the alleged diaper-fetish thing. I'm sure once this is taken care of they'll get right back to the punishment for Sen. Vitter, right?

8. Sen. Craig has 3 adoptive children? Adoptive. Interesting. It's good to hear one of those family values guys really knows the importance of adoption. No really. I'm sure there are no ulterior motives.

9. What's the deal with the guilty plea? I suppose I can understand the line of reasoning that says why drag this out into a long ordeal, and just get it behind me, even if I didn't do it. I can understand it, IF YOU'RE NOT A GODDAMN SENATOR! What did you really think that it wouldn't get out that you'd been convicted of a crime? Misdemeanor or not, you didn't think that'd raise an eyebrow or two? You do know that there's only 98 of you guys right? Ok, well 100 if you count Ted Kennedy and that "the Internet is a series of tubes" guy.

10. What's the deal with the guilty plea explanation? Your big mistake was a "failure to seek legal counsel". Seriously? If only you'd had like 26 years of experience in some sort of body responsible for crafting laws. That's the sort of thing that might give you the necessary understanding of the law to fight back. Nope, better call the attorney.

11. What's the deal with the resignation? He pleaded guilty to "disorderly conduct". That's pretty much the same thing you'd get booked for if you picked a fight with your airline flight attendant. That's the sort of thing that means you're unfit for office? Sure you can say his judgment is seriously in question because of his actions, but you could probably make the same argument for anyone who willfully lives in the state of Idaho.

12. What about the hypocrisy? Sure Larry Craig worked hard to discriminate against the very same people from which he apparently sought sexual pleasure. And yes that clip of him talking about President Clinton being a "bad boy, a naughty boy...probably even a nasty, bad, naughty boy" is particularly amusing, but who among us isn't a hypocrite to some degree? Were the spotlight shone on your life how would you fall short of the lofty expectations to which you hold others? And on that note I do want to get a bit serious.

I have little to no sympathy for Sen. Craig. I find his sexual behavior repulsive, but I suspect it is the sort of thing engaged in by people who either have to, or choose to hide who they are. If Sen. Craig lived in a world where a Republican from Idaho could seek a high public office and be openly gay I suspect he'd have a political spouse like anyone else, but alas there are groups of assholes in this world that make it difficult for Larry Craig to be himself. Those assholes are the same people railing against the degradation of the family in the halls of the Senate, and whipping their base up into a froth over how we need to keep "Don't Ask Don't Tell" because it's been effective in eliminating openly gay soldiers. That's right, only the Larry Craigs of this world keep the Larry Craigs of this world in the closet.

Every person has their own lot in life. I know for me it was difficult coming to the conclusion that I was gay. There was a period I didn't want to believe it. I deluded myself into believing that if I just wanted something else hard enough I could make it better. If I just dove into having a girlfriend, or religion things would be okay.

Well I hurt that girlfriend, but eventually I realized what I was doing was cruel to her, and tearing me apart.

For a while I believed that if I went to church, and read my Bible and went to enough Bible study then god could fix me. He didn't. One could interpret this as the possibility that I was just going through some test. For some Christians there is a strange conceptualization of god as cosmic SAT overlord or mad scientist always performing some sort of experiment or test. One could also interpret this (as many with whom I spoke about this) as my absence of sufficient faith, always a patronizing favorite. One could interpret this as an expression of the meaninglessness of life, the universe or the impotence of god (let's not go there or the comments will be full), or as I have chosen to interpret this: I'm not broke. I came this way and I can accept it, and I am much happier because of it.

I'm no better off than the Senator. I do not hold myself morally superior. All I can say is that I hope that one day he can come to a place where he realizes fully who he is and accepts it. Maybe he's a straight guy who just does strange things in the restroom. I doubt it, but hey whatever he needs to believe. Maybe he's gay. Maybe he's bisexual, who knows. What's important is that he figures it out, and stops behaving in dangerous and destructive ways before he does any further damage to his family, his honor, his reputation, and his emotional well-being.

Good Luck Senator Craig. I wish you well.

I'm feeling tired
I'm spinning Amy Winehouse - Rehab
Probably my favorite Youtube of the week: Avenue Q - If Larry Craig were Gay